How can I be a child again? A child trusts and leans on those whom nourish and love them. A child believes and follows without question. A child see beauty where many see none. How can i become like a child, free from the monotony of the world. How can i not be myself any longer? A self that claws at the chance to please its endless list of self wants and frivolous desires!? Have i gone to far,to long, to deep to turn back now? Has the flesh finally caramelized around me with no hopes of returning back to the state of happy childhood, the state of trust, hope and peace. When will i not be so tired? when will i not be consumed? when will I not be forgotten and lost in a mind and world of frivolity and lust? how long must I wait for deliverance. How hard must I work to say no to what i previously and even now at times desire before it leaves me alone? I am stalked at an ever continual rate, a rate which quickens with every passing moment. I am hunted and prepared. I am pounced upon at the most pristine moments, the moments when all is well, i feel fine and strong and free! at these moments i am consumed and overwhelmed by the enemy of my heart with no place
(it seems) to retreat. How I wish to be consumed with the goodness of our God! I have tried! But i am more content with the foolishness of the world, than that of eternal purity. Why, you may ask? I do not know! I wish for this all to end! I wish for my king to come and take me home, to take us all home. Then the tiresome struggle will be no more the constant battle will wage no more! Or perhaps I have got it all wrong! Perhaps I just don't know how to live in the victory of Christ? Perhaps I just don't know?