How can I be a child again? A child trusts and leans on those whom nourish and love them. A child believes and follows without question. A child see beauty where many see none. How can i become like a child, free from the monotony of the world. How can i not be myself any longer? A self that claws at the chance to please its endless list of self wants and frivolous desires!? Have i gone to far,to long, to deep to turn back now? Has the flesh finally caramelized around me with no hopes of returning back to the state of happy childhood, the state of trust, hope and peace. When will i not be so tired? when will i not be consumed? when will I not be forgotten and lost in a mind and world of frivolity and lust? how long must I wait for deliverance. How hard must I work to say no to what i previously and even now at times desire before it leaves me alone? I am stalked at an ever continual rate, a rate which quickens with every passing moment. I am hunted and prepared. I am pounced upon at the most pristine moments, the moments when all is well, i feel fine and strong and free! at these moments i am consumed and overwhelmed by the enemy of my heart with no place
(it seems) to retreat. How I wish to be consumed with the goodness of our God! I have tried! But i am more content with the foolishness of the world, than that of eternal purity. Why, you may ask? I do not know! I wish for this all to end! I wish for my king to come and take me home, to take us all home. Then the tiresome struggle will be no more the constant battle will wage no more! Or perhaps I have got it all wrong! Perhaps I just don't know how to live in the victory of Christ? Perhaps I just don't know?

How is it that I desire to do my own thing, to run my own life, to do as i please almost always thwarts what i have been called (by Christ) to do? I at all times seem to be focused on myself, my desires, what I have set out to accomplish for the day, the month, the year, my life. I am me! and I am the most important man in my life, the most important of all creation! I am Human the apex of creation. We are god to some and at times ( more times than not) god to our selves! but how is it that i could be god when in fact i did not create myself nor give myself life, nor can i conger up and create new life. Even if those who believe in an evolutionary proses and no creator live their lives as servants to themselves they do displeasure to the life giving process. What I want I should go and get, grab it by the balls and make it mine!
How convenient, the lie of our culture is that man is preeminent over all things, we walk around this earth with puffed up chests thinking just because we can explain how the world was made or how and why it functions that we are some how the cocks of the walk. We serve our selves before all others and watch out for number one. Some describe it as primal instinct and say, well it is a natural process and a part of life so just go with it.
I say this is the essence of the destruction of true Christianity!

The Beauty of Darkness

I found my self walking in a forest at the dark of night. The wind swirled gently through my hair as the fog rushed calmly over my feet, cleaning to the ground with all it had. The darkness swallowed up the light of the moon like the fish swallowed up Johna. As I walked the darkness became deeper and spoke with gloomy sadness. Like water twirling to the bottom of a funnel, I walked deeper into the cloud of blackness, looking up to the moon, He smiled and hid his face behind the clouds; as if to hid away from what was to come.
All at once, I was being overcome by the elements of the world. I resisted moving on but the wind with the grip of a father flung me forward! The earth caking upon my legs and feet solidifying like a statue, the water rushing like a typhoon, droning and choking the life from my eyes! Fire, like the breath of satin himself unleashing all of hells pain in one word upon the flesh of my heart. Voices that say nothing good were all that i could hear! screaming, yelling, hating and defying. It was dark!
I came torn and destroyed to the edge of the forest. I looked upon the open field before me, wheat flowing in the breeze laden with dew that shown like diamonds the moons reflection. Even in the darkness you were there. I see you now in a way I never saw you before. The moon is so beautiful now.

Water of Life

Like a waterfall to a jagged and protruding rock, fall upon me oh word and smooth my pride that jets out from my being. Wash away my protruding sin, sharp as a warrior’s sword. I have sharpened and refined the very weapon that holds me at deaths bay. I am split in two, as two different beings, unstable like the sea. Yet, deep within the caverns of my beating heart like a beast in the sleep of winter, your law stays dormant and quiet. Call out to me oh great Word, speaker of such greatness, funnel your words to my ears. Though your word cleans my mind, and set me at ease. Fall Spirit, like a blessed rain on my sinfully refined soul and wash away the clinging roughness to unveil the shining quarts within. May your power shine through white hot as fire, as radiant as the galaxies. Wash this man, Oh blessed cleaner of the utmost sickly fiend. I, the utmost sinner have merited such a name. By your word pour forth your reformation of my heart, your conquest of my soul. Set me forth for works laid out for me. Hold me against the light of your word, and make noticeable the unseen grime. You are, and always have been the perfect one whom for your glory and my shame died that you may own me once again. May I be eventually washed away by that water fall of life which springs from the Word. Sprit, convert this dirt and rock into living water which may flow in unison with the Fathers will and current!

The father hath life in himself, Says Tozer. How could this be. Oh, but it must be! If not there is no such thing as God. My savior was before all that there is. He was in himself perfect and whole. He is in himself satisfied without my human existence. His affections hinge not upon my life and actions. Without me he is complete and whole, thus with me he still has nothing added to his goodness and wholeness. With me he is no more perfect and awesome than without me. Yet this very God whom had no need of me, created me, and desired a relationship with me, how could that be possible; That the self existing God, out of his love sent his Son whom needed no one and nothing, Yet died for the one whom defiled his will and spat in his face? What love is this that the one whom needed nothing from humanity died for those who truly could offer him nothing in return. Nothing can we give God that would enhance his Godness, his Goodness, his completeness. What love is this?
I would die for my family! Yes! I love them and they have helped mold me into what I am today. I would die for my country because it delivers unto me freedom and protection. I would never die for the drug addict whom ravaged my house looking for money to buy his next hit. Never would I die for such a person who takes away my cense of security and confidence. I would die for those whom I owe honor and respect. Yet we were the drug addict, those dead in our filth! God owed nothing to us…to me! Not even did we live to perhaps “gain” somehow his need with respect, honor and love. We lived the very opposite of such. Void of striving after the affections of God forsook them and traded them for self-indulgence such says Romans1.
All I think in response is adoration of the Father whom in himself is complete and perfect! Honor, is what I feel, that I have been graciously inducted into service and worship of Him by his grace through faith in his Son. I am not void of striving after Gods affections, for the affection of my God reside greatly within me through the Spirit, through his word ( the story of his promise to all generations), that story was meant for me, for us, we are in that very story right now, the story of Gods people living with and for Him. We carry the story and must live it out in a broken world. We take the story to the lost, not just through proclamation of that written word, but through how we love the un-loveable, serve the un-servable, pray for the un-reachable, seek the un-seekable and redeem what “we” think is un-redeemable. There is nothing un-redeemable in the sight of our God!

So this passed week I was out for on an invigorating run. As I was running and attempting to encourage myself to press on, I finally reached my goal and slowed down to a nice recovering walk. At the end of my run, I normally try to take some time and pray. As my heart rate slowed and my body fell back to its normal rate of function, I began to look around me and I saw trash that had been laying along my running route for weeks. Up until this point I had ignored it, and left it to lie as if some other more convicted well to do person would come a pick it up later. I shortly realized that that convinced person was now me! I was the one who needed to come and clean this mess up, to serve the creator by restoring this sidewalk back to the beauty it once held before it had been marred by the unsightliness of candy wrappers, shredded tires, McDonald's cups and pop cans. I felt called by the Lord, right then and there to serve Him In this way! Who are you, that you think it is below you to clean my world, to assist in the on going process of redemption that I have called you to? This is what I was told.
Some of you may say to yourself, "He was told by who, to do what"? Well, by my creator, God Almighty the creator of heaven earth, by the Spirit of God which resides within me. You may not understand what I am saying if you don't believe. Regardless of what I tell you I was told, I am here on this earth to be a conduit through which God can work to set forth his plan of redemption upon a fallen earth. Yes, picking up trash may be strange, but who will do it if not me, right? I was always told that being a man is doing what you know needs to be done. I know this needs to be done. This is just a microcosm of the full picture of redemption, but none the less it is part of it, and I must diligently seek to invest myself into any work, conversation and action that will lead to obedience with respect to redeeming a world in need of redemption!